Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for April, 2013

snow

Whenever I discussed a negative probability – like this one time (when road trips were taken as a family very often) we were travelling down the middle of a pitch dark forest patch I wondered aloud to my dad what if two of our car tyres got punctured. He was of course irritated with my thought process and told me about the principle denoted by the three monkeys in our mantelpiece back home – Do not think or speak or hear bad thoughts.

Back then I must have been in my 2nd standard or so. By now I have begun to fully appreciate the power of positive thinking but I must say it has never stopped me from fearing adverse circumstances I might suddenly be thrown into and get uprooted from all the blessings I am thankful for in my life. My worst fear is that of losing a loved one to some kind of bad situation – which could be separation, a sudden cold distance that sucks the joy out of you like a dementor or worse death!

I just cannot get rid of this very bad habit – I sometimes feel very depressed to the point of wallowing in self pity over such imagined situations! Especially when I fight with a loved one I unconsciously become the first person to seal a peace pact for I feel life is too short to have an ego hassle over who is right or wrong. I am too happy to brush issues under the carpet if it guarantees that peace and love will overflow in abundance! Is that weak? I seriously don’t give a damn! The larger picture more often consumes my imagination and fuels my actions!

The only mock positive out of this whole fictional fear fiasco is that I try not to lean on anyone too much for am afraid they will end up hurting me one day or leaving me for good. It sometimes prevents me from being true to myself.  It replaces a smile with a poker face, words with silence and sharing with withdrawal. However, the rest of the time, emotions sway me like the wind sets the course for a sail and very often I find being dependent on other people is a natural outcome of any form of social existence and there are some whom you just cannot live without!  They envelope you, embed themselves in your life and there is no way in hell you can remove yourself from them in any form of emotional equation!  You draw strength, joy, confidence, emotional security and motivation like fresh air for your soul from them and before you know it you become dependent!  …and Fear continues to haunt you!

Read Full Post »